He Knows

Several people have been asking about my internship, so I just wanted to take a moment to share where I am with that. I have found a place called the House of Pearls that would like me to be their intern over the summer. It is a women's addiction ministry. I would get the opportunity to use both counseling and psychology at this internship, so I really feel like it's perfect. I have applied for my internship to school, and part of the application is taking a huge psychology test. (They say you can use your general psychology textbook but I had every textbook I own lined on my table and had to jump all over.) It was a very hard test, and I don't know how I did. I cannot get the internship without passing this test. I most likely will not find out if my internship has been approved for several more weeks. They rejected my first internship application, so I'm pretty nervous. If I don't get the internship, I will have to find another site that wants me to be their intern and reapply in the fall. This internship is the only thing standing in between me and graduation.

Yesterday as I was about to leave work, I decided to share my anxiety about my internship with a lady I work with, Tracy. She is such a sweet, godly woman, and after I explained my situation to her, she prayed for me and told me that she felt a peace on her heart about the internship. As I was driving home from work, I was thinking about life after school. I imagined coming home and turning on the TV. I could do the dishes and do the laundry and even fold and put away the clean clothes. I could read all the books I wanted without feeling a drop of guilt. I looked at the crack across my windshield and before I could even entertain the thought of getting a new car, I felt God place something on my heart.

I know.

It sort of caught me off guard. These are things I don't bother to pray about. These are desires that I continually ignore. I have lived so much of my life avoiding want and excess that I barely allow myself to let my heart get attached to my wants. These things I was thinking of are desires of my heart that I have been choking for so long that I forgot that God would know them. I know He knows the deepest desires of our hearts, but I always focus on the big picture things. I spend my time thinking about how I can be a wife that honors Christ, about how I will one day parent my children to know Him as I do. These are the things I bring to him; these are the things I allow myself to want. But He knows the wants that I turn away everyday. He watches me turn my head away from the candy aisle when I grocery shop. He watches me drive my old but faithful car to and from work. He knows how much I would love to hook my phone up to the speakers in my car, how much I want to choose what I want to wear to work, how much I want to replace the linoleum floors in my kitchen.

He knows.

Here's another thing: He knows how horrible I feel when I lose my temper. He knows how much my heart twists when I see the hurt look on a friend's face that my words cause. He knows that every time I open my mouth, I am taking a huge risk.

He knows me, yet He loves me.

I'll never be good enough, polished enough, professional enough. I'll always have a baby face. I'll always be short. I'll probably always struggle with my words. I'll have to keep my sarcasm at bay everyday. Even with my flaws and, though I hate to admit it, my materialistic desires, He know me. He loves me. He cares.

My sweet friends - God knows. He knows about your big wants and your little wants. He know about the things you tell everyone about, and about the things you hide even from yourself. He knows the thoughts that go through your head when you look in the mirror. He knows the thoughts that go through your head when you look at your bank account.

He knows you. He loves you. And He cares for you.

"You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
You, LORD, know it completely."

Psalm 139:1-4

P.S. If this blog has touched your heart, I recommend reading all of Psalm 139. One of my favorite chapters in the Bible.