Blind Trust

"But blessed are those who trust int he Lord,

whose confidence is in Him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

it does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Today Misty took her first trip to the groomer's. I've been debating whether or not to take her for a while, and I finally decided to bite the bullet. The deciding factor was the fact that after walking a mile at night she was starting to overheat. (Oh, the woes of a long-haired dog.) Anyway, we get to the groomer's this morning and the second we walk inside, she decides that she has made a huge mistake. I don't know if it was the smell or the small foyer, but she decided it was not somewhere she wanted to be. She started shaking and huddled in the corner while I discussed options with the groomer. (She even nervous-pooped a little, poor thing.) When they came to take her, she kept hiding behind me until they decided I would have to walk back with her. I didn't see her face when she discovered I'd gone back up front, but I'm sure she felt abandoned and betrayed.

I left Misty at the groomer's and went to work, with the intention of picking her up at 2:30 when I was off. I knew I was coming back but she, of course, did not. I imagined her as she got her bath and her de-shedding, hoping I would walk in the door at any moment. That's what makes a wait seem longer - when you don't know how long it'll last.

Today, as many of you know, I got an exciting e-mail. My internship has finally been approved! I have been waiting three weeks to find out whether the one thing standing in between me and graduation could finally be knocked out! My internship will be with the House of Pearls - a women's addiction ministry. I'm excited about this opportunity because I will be able to use both my Psychology and my Counseling aspects of my degree. The internship will run from May 18th to August 21st, about 8 hours a week.

As I was driving to the groomer's to pick up Misty, I thought about my own wait for my internship. It was agonizing. First, finding a place that wanted me to be their intern was a struggle. It wasn't until the day before my internship application was due that I found the House of Pearls. I had an interview and was offered the internship on the spot, and had to rush home to fill out the application and turn in a huge, challenging test (which btw, I passed!). Then I waited, and waited, and waited. I checked my e-mail about 10,000 times a day. I knew it would take a couple of weeks but something inside me was hoping it would magically appear in my inbox early. When it finally came, and I knew for sure I had the internship, I literally felt a huge weight lift off of my chest.

So often, we are put through challenging scenarios that we neither agree with nor understand. If it was up to me, my first internship application (the one for the current semester that was denied) would have been accepted. It it was up to me, I would be graduating in May. In the same way, if it was up to Misty, she wouldn't have gone to the groomer's at all. She would have kept that thick undercoat and traded off for a hot summer. Misty and I didn't know how long we'd have to wait, didn't know why we had to wait, and didn't really want to be going through the situation to begin with. But God had other plans.

How often do we struggle through life, not understanding our struggles and pains? How often do we agonize over waiting, checking the clock (or our e-mail) every 30 seconds? Sometimes, in the midst of chaos, we don't understand why we have to go through it at all. We might look at instances in our lives where doors have been shut (relationships, promotions, investments...) and wonder why God would deny something that was so obviously good for us. It's easy for us to see our own perspective and not understand God's perspective. Just like Misty didn't understand how much better off she would be from her trip to the groomer's, I struggled with not understanding why God wanted me to have this internship over the Spring one.

In reality, I may never understand God's reasoning for this, just like Misty may never understand that her not being as hot is a result of the groomer's. But when, at the end of this summer, I have completed my internship and will (God willing) finally have my degree, God will know that things were better this way. And I will trust Him in that. It is in this moment that I will celebrate His plan - however last-minute it may be. In this moment I can appreciate the fact that even though I don't understand, He has His reasons. I will celebrate all things, both big and small, because all are gifts I don't deserve.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord...

Jeremiah 29:11-14

He Knows

Several people have been asking about my internship, so I just wanted to take a moment to share where I am with that. I have found a place called the House of Pearls that would like me to be their intern over the summer. It is a women's addiction ministry. I would get the opportunity to use both counseling and psychology at this internship, so I really feel like it's perfect. I have applied for my internship to school, and part of the application is taking a huge psychology test. (They say you can use your general psychology textbook but I had every textbook I own lined on my table and had to jump all over.) It was a very hard test, and I don't know how I did. I cannot get the internship without passing this test. I most likely will not find out if my internship has been approved for several more weeks. They rejected my first internship application, so I'm pretty nervous. If I don't get the internship, I will have to find another site that wants me to be their intern and reapply in the fall. This internship is the only thing standing in between me and graduation.

Yesterday as I was about to leave work, I decided to share my anxiety about my internship with a lady I work with, Tracy. She is such a sweet, godly woman, and after I explained my situation to her, she prayed for me and told me that she felt a peace on her heart about the internship. As I was driving home from work, I was thinking about life after school. I imagined coming home and turning on the TV. I could do the dishes and do the laundry and even fold and put away the clean clothes. I could read all the books I wanted without feeling a drop of guilt. I looked at the crack across my windshield and before I could even entertain the thought of getting a new car, I felt God place something on my heart.

I know.

It sort of caught me off guard. These are things I don't bother to pray about. These are desires that I continually ignore. I have lived so much of my life avoiding want and excess that I barely allow myself to let my heart get attached to my wants. These things I was thinking of are desires of my heart that I have been choking for so long that I forgot that God would know them. I know He knows the deepest desires of our hearts, but I always focus on the big picture things. I spend my time thinking about how I can be a wife that honors Christ, about how I will one day parent my children to know Him as I do. These are the things I bring to him; these are the things I allow myself to want. But He knows the wants that I turn away everyday. He watches me turn my head away from the candy aisle when I grocery shop. He watches me drive my old but faithful car to and from work. He knows how much I would love to hook my phone up to the speakers in my car, how much I want to choose what I want to wear to work, how much I want to replace the linoleum floors in my kitchen.

He knows.

Here's another thing: He knows how horrible I feel when I lose my temper. He knows how much my heart twists when I see the hurt look on a friend's face that my words cause. He knows that every time I open my mouth, I am taking a huge risk.

He knows me, yet He loves me.

I'll never be good enough, polished enough, professional enough. I'll always have a baby face. I'll always be short. I'll probably always struggle with my words. I'll have to keep my sarcasm at bay everyday. Even with my flaws and, though I hate to admit it, my materialistic desires, He know me. He loves me. He cares.

My sweet friends - God knows. He knows about your big wants and your little wants. He know about the things you tell everyone about, and about the things you hide even from yourself. He knows the thoughts that go through your head when you look in the mirror. He knows the thoughts that go through your head when you look at your bank account.

He knows you. He loves you. And He cares for you.

"You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
You, LORD, know it completely."

Psalm 139:1-4

P.S. If this blog has touched your heart, I recommend reading all of Psalm 139. One of my favorite chapters in the Bible.