So far in my life, the most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed involved asking God to break me down in order to build me up - that's a blog for another day. He has recently called me towards something that may be equally or more dangerous. I have felt it placed on my heart to fast.
I am terrified about what I'm about to do. I've never fasted, not even for one day, and I feel led to fast for the next week. I've been fasting for an astounding 25 minutes (it started at midnight this morning) and I already feel a little grumbly. I am drinking water, juice, and allowing myself to eat yogurt. That's it. I think the scary part isn't the hunger or the weakness, it's the attacks I know I'm in for. I know that anything that is so powerful for the Kingdom of Heaven is never left alone.
I am fasting because I will be starting my first semester working towards ministry on the 14th. I want to spend the week before the semester starts allowing God to work my heart in ways I've never asked Him to do before. I know that if I want to become a spiritual leader in my community one day, I must first humble myself before Him, willing to change anything. I know it's going to be a very difficult week. I have felt over the past few weeks God pointing my weaknesses out to me. I get stressed easily. I get frustrated. I snap at people who sometimes have nothing to do with my frustration. I become quick with my words. I lose sight of why I'm really here. And it especially happens at work, when the pressure is on. I have been memorizing scripture partly to help with this. Every time I get stressed out, I try to remember 1 Peter 5:7. Recently I got so stressed out over nothing that I ended up breaking down and crying about literally nothing. I took a bubble bath to take some time to dedicate to figuring out what I was upset over and felt God telling me I need to remember to take time to rest. It's funny because last Sunday at church our pastor talked about the importance of resting. He made a joke that God MAKES him lie down in green pastures. I told Michael after church that, while the sermon was good, it was hard to relate to because I felt I was at a place in my life where God was calling me to action. Oh, the irony. Little did I know that by the end of the week I'd be crying about nothing. God saw how stubborn I was being and He MADE me slow down and relax. I've gotten to a point where I'm mentally stressed out all the time, even on my days off when I'm watching TV. I don't allow myself much leisure time because I feel guilty for not getting things done. Every woman in the world has to know what I'm talking about.
I know this week of fasting will be a week of God refining my soul. I know there's a lot that needs to be fixed. He needs to refine me so that He can mold me into something better. I really don't know what I'm in for, but I know it will be POWERFUL and EFFECTIVE. I need to be humbled. I need it. So that in times of stress, I can realize how insignificant I am compared to Him. Then I can remember that despite my insignificance, He chose to forgive me of everything I've done wrong against Him. When I remember that, how can I let anything stress me out?
I am confident that this fast is exactly what I need to become more focused on Him. I will be praying daily that He will nourish my soul in a way that the food that I'm not eating cannot do. Only then can I achieve His plan for me.
